Attention tri-state area Red Sox fans:

We have a mission for you.  As you’ve heard, the daughter of Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is divorcing the former heir-apparent to the baseball empire, on the heels of his arrest for DUI. 

We need one of you to infiltrate this family. 

Your mission is to woo the daughter, and curry favor with the old man.  Kiss his sagging, speckled, hail-damaged, warty behind as often as possible.  Whisper words of encouragement into his ear, such as: “I always thought Dave Winfield was up to no good”, or “you know, that whole Watergate thing was totally overblown”.

Once you have earned his trust, our plan shall be nearly complete.  After the old man makes his inevitable descent into Hades, the control of the team shall be yours.  Now, the fun begins. 

* Scrap the new stadium plans.  Move the team to East Rutherford, NJ.
* The team needs a first baseman.  Give Rafael Palmeiro a call.
* The team needs some defense up the middle.  Trade Phil Hughes for Omar Vizquel, and move Robbie Cano for Kenny Lofton.  Throw in a few million to sweeten the pot.
* Those pinstripes are tired, don’t you think?  I like the 70’s rainbows a bit more.  Retro is in…get it done.
* Sign a declining 35-year-old pitcher for $16 million.  Whoops, already done.  Nevermind…good work.
* You know, I think those Red Sox are going to bid another $55 million for the posting rights for Kazumi Saitoh next season.  You should bid $100 million, just to be safe.

All right, I think we’re clear.  Anyway, remember, your first mission is to woo and seduce the daughter.  Here is a photo of her, she can be found in Tampa:

What’s that you ask?  Uh…she’s the one on the right.

What’s that?  Oh, stop complaining!  She’s rich.