Fenway Park Prepares to Receive the Great One
Security will be extra tight in the Boston area for the next couple of days, as Jack Cust arrives in Beantown (along with some other guys who pretend to be his “teammates” or whatever).
A quick Jack Cust scouting report:
- Jack Cust has an OPS of 932. OPS, in this case, stands for “Other People Slaughtered”.
- Jack Cust was born in Flemington, NJ. Or, at least, that’s where the meteor crashed from which he emerged.
- Jack Cust does not approve of dog fighting. He does, however, approve of getting on all fours and biting people to death.
- Jack Cust does not believe in stem-cell research. He’s already found a cure for Parkinson’s using some combination of whiskey, barbecue sauce, motor oil, and a welding torch.
- Crime has plummeted in Oakland this year. Coincidentally, Jack Cust is never seen in his hotel room after dark.
- The Challenger explosion was not caused by a faulty O-ring. The teacher on board once gave Jack Cust an unsatisfactory grade.
- Jack Cust…okay, okay, I’ll stop here. I know, the whole Chuck Norris/Jack Cust/Bill Brasky joke template is about as original as Dane Cook.
It’s a tense off day. Cut me some slack, Jack.