Since the injury to David Ortiz at the end of last month, J.D. Drew has had an OPS of 1.789.

He ranks:

3rd in AL Batting Average (.324)
2nd in AL OBP (.430)
4th in AL SLG % (.562)
2nd in AL OPS+ (163)

And he does it all despite multiple reports that he has no cardiovascular organs, and an inability to display fire (because, most humans have the ability to do this, such as young Drew Barrymore for example). I can only imagine what he’d be doing if the Good Lord had blessed this guy with a ticker.

You know who would have made a terrific baseball player? Sam Kinison. I mean, with all the coke and crank and crack and everything else he put into his body on a regular basis, you just know the guy’s heart was enlarged. It must have been the size of a porterhouse steak. If only the guy had picked up a bat, he probably would have racked up about 500 Win Shares before his accident.

You know who else would have been an inner circle Hall of Famer? Xiuhtecuhtli. You know, the Aztec god of fire? My boy Xuitec would be hitting .400 right now, with all of his…fire. He’d have more fire than Paul O’Neill flying a napalm mission with Thurman Munson’s plane. The Red Sox Latin American scouts should all be fired (no pun intended) for not even inviting him to the baseball academy. They probably could have signed him for cheap, too. There might have been an age deception issue, however. Xiuhtecuhtli claims to be 17 years old, but there are rumors that he’s actually 1,200.

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