The Boston Red Sox, recent victims of a merciless gang rape at the hands of the Toronto Blue Jays, staggered into Baltimore’s “Fenway South” tonight to take on the Orioles, a team that has given them plenty of trouble this season.  As we watch the Sox attempt to dam the recent tsunami of suck, let’s do a little case study.

I performed a similar analysis last year with the Red Sox and the Sopranos, and after thinking about it quite a bit during tonight’s commute home from work, I think it can be done again.  Let’s compare the characters from the critically acclaimed hit series “The Wire” to the members of the Defending World Champion Boston Red Sox.

Sean Casey :: “Bubbles”
Probably the most well-liked character.  Usually can be seen in a jovial mood with a smile on his face, and never at a loss for words.  That being said, you don’t want to rely on him too heavily in a critical situation.

Terry Francona :: Lt. Cedric Daniels
The man knows his business.  His peers admire him, and his crew respects him.  He’s loyal to his guys, and if there’s ever a problem, he always handles it “in-house” rather than vetting it out in the newspapers.  He’s wary of the media, since there are some reporters out there who are known to stir the pot in an effort to sell papers.

Tim Wakefield :: Det. Lester Freamon
A grizzled veteran who has been underappreciated for years.  His approach is unique, and is much more about finesse than it is brute force.  When he’s out there doing his job, it’s like watching a master craftsman working on the most minute details on an intricate piece of artwork, whether that artwork is a fluttering knuckleball or a miniature antique hope chest.

Kevin Youkilis :: Marlo Stanfield
Kevin has grown from an inexperienced young pup into a stone cold killer…at the plate.  Almost in the blink of an eye, he has transformed into one of the most feared offensive players in the league.  He is claiming his spots on the league leaders lists as quickly as Marlo claimed his corners in West Baltimore.  However, he has a temper and can sometimes rub people the wrong way.

J.D. Drew :: Chris Partlow
Just as deadly at the plate as teammate Kevin Youkilis, but unlike Youkilis (or Marlo), this guy is known for his icy stoicism.  He sometimes is criticized for being heartless, but whenever he is called upon, he usually delivers.  He is unknown to the casual fans, despite being the best hitter on the squad.

Dustin Pedroia :: Det. Kima Griggs
Whether you are a female cop trying to make it in a male dominated organization, or if you’re a pygmy second baseman trying to become the most well-known MLB dwarf since Eddie Gaedel, it’s an uphill climb.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do it, and be sure to talk plenty of shit on your way to the top.

Julio Lugo :: Det. Ray Cole
Don’t get this one?  Let me explain: when I say “Ray Cole”, I am referring to his corpse.  Julio Lugo has been roughly as useful as Detective Ray Cole’s lifeless corpse.  Julio is on the DL, and Ray is on the pool table at Kavanaugh’s.  Both have made plenty of errors throughout the course of their work, but they can’t hurt us now.

Manny Ramirez :: Det. Roland “Prez” Pryzbylweski
These guys are socially inept and reliable for a moment of comic relief here and there, but when it comes to the minutia of the task at hand, they are savants.  They exceed so well in one area of the job, and tend to ignore the other aspects.  Alas, these guys have been violent against co-workers, and are no longer with the team.

Jason Bay :: Brother Mouzone
A mysterious newcomer who walks softly but carries a big stick.  His reputation from faraway lands precedes him, and he has taken the city by storm during his brief stint here.

Jonathan Papelbon :: Det. Jimmy McNulty
The cowboy of the squad.  One of the most valuable guys on the team, even though he is known to get himself in trouble when speaking his mind.  He tells it like it is, and if people don’t like it, tough shit!  He doesn’t have the booksmarts of some of the other guys, but when it comes to the job, there is no equal.

David Ortiz :: Det. Bunk Moreland
The resident “big teddy bear”, and one of the most reliable performers around.  Plays by the book, and delivers just as much productivity some other guys who tend to…bend the rules.