Orioles 4
Red Sox 5

The opening scenes were carbon-copied from a script we’ve read many times before: the one which ends with us slamming our television remotes against the wall in disgust, shamefully trudging into a dark windowless room, stripping down naked, and flogging ourselves with bamboo poles until our bodies are covered with blistery welts.  Welts which purify our souls, and allow us us forget the pain of witnessing a tough Red Sox loss.  What?  You’re saying you don’t handle losses this way?  Well, don’t judge me, pal.

How did the Red Sox win this game?  This game had all the makings of a severe letdown: day game before an off day, facing sub-par pitchers on a sub-par team, watching a shaky Daisuke Matsuzaka give banjo hitters a free tour around the bases, watching the likes of David Ortiz and Jason Bay helplessly flail at balls they would normally crush with the strength of a dozen rabid oxen, among other things.  I have to say that this victory was a bit of a donation from the Orioles preferred charity of 2008: The Embarrassingly Terrible Baseball Foundation.  Baltimore really had us by the short-and-curlies today, but thanks to a flurry of walks and poor plays in the later innings, the tide turned and the Orioles found themselves swept.

On that note, Baltimore, I say to you: good f*%&ing riddance.  Leave this realm, and don’t come back until 2009.  You were the worst team in the AL East by a fair margin, and yet, nearly every game against you was difficult to watch in some way or another.  If I never see Brian Roberts playing at Fenway Park again, it will be the greatest gift ever bestowed upon me from the gods (including the births of my future children).  The day he retires will become a holiday in my home.  We’ll exchange gifts.  We’ll have antipasto.  We’ll drink and say things we regret.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

NOTES:

• In addition to Lowell and Beckett, first baseman Sean Casey should also return on Friday.
• The above means less at-bats for Alex Cora.  As much as I’ve bashed him, the elephant in the corner is that he’s had a terrific season at the plate (in limited time).  Unsustainable and lucky?  Sure, but good nonetheless.
• The Red Sox tied Cleveland’s mark of consecutive sellouts with 455, and are a lock to break that record when they take on Tampa Bay on Monday.
• The weather is nice and it’s September 3rd, which means the co-eds are back in town.  In other words: GOD DAMN.  Those of you near the trolley stretch of Commonwealth Ave know of what I speak.

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