Yes, Yes, I know, I’m Totally Missing Out, Right, Gotcha, Thanks
If you are in the New England region, and you often engage fellow sports fans in general conversation as part of your daily routine, you might notice a growing trend in conversation topics. It usually goes something like this:
Jimmy: “Good morning! Fill it up, please.”
Gas Station Attendant: “Okay, which octane?”
Jimmy: “Let’s see. I think I’ll take the cheap stuff. 89, please.”
Gas Station Attendant: “Sure thing! Hey, did you catch the Bruins last night?”
Jimmy: (slowly sinking into my seat) “Jeez, no…I had to…”
Gas Station Attendant: “Dude, You are totally missing out. They are the best team no one knows about.”
Jimmy: (looks down in shame) “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to…”
Gas Station Attendant: “No, You don’t understand. Listen to me. Hey! Look at me when I’m talking to you. YOU ARE MISSING OUT.”
Jimmy: “Yeah, sorry, I…”
Gas Station Attendant: “No, no. You know what? You know what? F&@$ YOU! I’m not giving you gas. There’s a Gulf station down the street, maybe they have time to put up with your bullshit. Take your little condescending car, and your attitude, and get the f#@* out of my gas station. How about that?”
Jimmy: “Okay. Look, I’m sorry if I somehow offended…”
Gas Station Attendant: (begins pouring gasoline all over my car): “Hey, no problem man. It’s cool. You just don’t appreciate GOOD HOCKEY when you see it. Hey, no worries. It’s all good. (aims nozzle at my face, pours gasoline all over me).
Jimmy: (soaked in gasoline) “Hey! Stop that!”
Gas Station Attendant: (lights match) “So, the Bruins are boring, huh? You know what else must be boring to you? Life. So, the Bruins do not deserve your attention? You do not deserve to breathe my oxygen. Adios, asshole. (tosses lit match in my car).
Jimmy: (engulfed in flames): AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! YOU’RE CRAZY!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! AAAHHHHHHH!!!
Yup, that’s a true story. Here’s the thing, I know the Bruins are a good team, and they are probably exciting to watch, but like many Americans, hockey is a foreign sport to me. Like soccer, and that Canadian game where they push hubcaps across the ice with squeegees, it’s something that I do not have familiarity with, not nearly enough to maintain interest at this point. This is a behavior that has been ingrained in me since early youth, and I cannot just flip on a switch and decide to follow hockey.Maybe if they had a consistent streak of competitiveness, like the other Big 3 Teams in this town, things would be different. But, that simply hasn’t happened, not in my lifetime. Between work, life, the Sox, and everything else, there just isn’t enough room in my cerebral cortex.
Memo to the Hockey Missionaries, (those of you trying in vain to spread the gospel of the Yellow and Black to the unwashed pagan masses like myself): I acknowledge that the Bruins have a young team which might be competitive for a while. I’m simply not going to carve out time in my daily schedule to watch them a this point in my life. How about we compromise? If they are on TV at a bar, I’ll occasionally glance at the screen. I’m not going to memorize the entire roster, but I might be able to name the goalie and a handful of other guys. I’m not going to remember every key play from the game, but I’ll memorize a few talking points, enough to feign interest during water cooler conversations.
Maybe that’s not the response you are looking for. But it’s a start.
I’m a casual fan, meaning that when there are no other sports (by which I mean football and the tail end of baseball) on, and my husband isn’t home to monopolize the TV, I get to watch the Bruins.
And Jimmy, the gas guy is right.
I keep tabs on them, and I like hockey – I really do, but there’s just not enough hours in the day to spend much more than a couple minutes thinking about the B’s. Sorry guys.
Just think B’s fanatics, you will have all the more pleasure of saying, “I was there the whole way!” when the win the Cup.
Now, How ’bout those Celtics!! Let’s shoot for 80-2!