You would think we’d be used to this by now.

Every December, we are repeatedly bludgeoned over the head with non-stop rumors about major acquisitions, either through free-agent signings or blockbuster trades.  The apex of the excitement occurs in the early part of the month, when the Winter Meetings take place.  The baseball people have a couple of cocktails at the hotel lounge.  The newspaper guys do the same.  It culminates as a perfect storm of speculation through veiled hints and scotch-soaked paragraphs.  And just when we’re taken in by the cloud of excitement, just as we reach the point where hitting the “refresh” button on our internet browser becomes our primary workplace priority…there’s crickets.  Nothing happens.  Everyone boards a jet and flies home, and the rumor mill becomes dormant for weeks, save for the obligatory recycled quotes from anonymous front-office sources.

It’s the baseball equivalent of a premature ejaculation.  One side finishes, and the other side is left wanting more.

If history is any indication, the Mark Teixeira sweepstakes will likely end sometime in between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day.  While the word on the street is that the Red Sox are frontrunners to acquire the soon-to-be-extremely-wealthy athlete, I’m here to tell you that we should temper our excitement, for the sake of our long-term sanity.  While I hope Teixeira will be donning those new gray & black road uniforms this April, I’ve convinced myself that it will not happen.

Look, if we’ve learned anything in the past few months, it’s that we don’t know shit about shit.

What’s that?  You say the Yankees are hurt by the economic crises and will be cutting their spending?  Wrong, they just dropped a gazillion dollars on two pitchers, one of whom likely has Type II Diabetes and the other whose arm is attached to his shoulder with masking tape.  And guess what, Teixeira isn’t off the table, either.

What’s that?  You say the Mets will need to cut costs after their owners lost $500 million in a Ponzi scheme?  Wrong, according to the team, “This news does not affect the day-to-day operations and long-term plans of the Mets organization and the Citi Field project.”  Apparently they purchase goods and services not with USD or any other currency, but instead with some archaic pre-Mesopotamian barter system, and their new stadium will be built not with money, but with happy thoughts from the cheerful residents of Queens.

Expect the unexpected.  My prediction of where Mark Teixeria will play next season: Baltimore.  Sounds crazy, right?  As Bal’mer legend Avon Barksdale once said, “dream with me”.  See if you can imagine the following scenario:

You have an obsessive owner with a once-great franchise, a team that is now the red-headed stepchild in their division after a string of bad seasons.  This owner is watching his fan base gradually become cannibalized by the Washington Nationals (who plan on making their own play for the slugger).  He notices that not only are his enemies from D.C. about to make an offer, but there are two teams from his own division who could acquire Teixeira, a move that would guarantee his place in the cellar for the foreseeable future.  He takes a peek at his minor league system and sees that he has a young catcher who could be the best prospect in baseball (Matt Wieters), and two young pitchers who are among the best in the minor leagues (Chris Tillman and Brian Matusz) and decides that he has a window of contention for the next 6 years or so.  He says “What the hell” and swoops in with an 8-year deal that is just slightly more attractive than the offers from Boston and Anaheim.  He sells the slugger on the benefits of Baltimore: crab cakes, close to home, a young/hungry team, none of the big bad media spotlight you get in Boston.  Contract signed, end of story.  All of the sudden, the Boston Red Sox find themselves in one of the most tightly-contested divisions in the history of the current league format, and 2009 gets a little more interesting for everybody.

It’s far fetched, but I’ve convinced myself that this will happen.  Wait until January 1st before you laugh at my prediction.  By that point, you will either be laughing or crying.         

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