Why North Korea Wants to Nuke Us
Setting: Pyongyang, North Korea
Date: July 4th, 2009
Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il sits in his imperial throne room, discussing a foreign relations matter with his two most trusted defense analysts.
Kim Jong-il: It is July Fourth, gentlemen! The capitalist American pigs celebrate their independence with fireworks. But little do they know, I have a bottle rocket of my own, hmmm? Our nuclear facility is fully operational! The missile calibration is complete! What say you, analysts? I am undecided. Should we transform Hawaii into a pile of uninhabitable radioactive lava rock?
Analyst #1: Sir, I don’t think it would be wise. First off, it is inhumane and unethical. Secondly, the Americans would likely retaliate in-kind.
Analyst #2: Sir, we should definitely press the button and take Hawaii off the map, immediately. Americans are irrational, illogical, and lack the power of free thought.
KJ: Irrational?! Illogical?! What do you mean? Explain how you have come to this conclusion, analyst!
A2: Well, you see the Americans play this game called “baseball”…
KJ: Ah, yes, baseball. Our capitalist cousins to the south play that game quite well. Go on…
A2: Well, they have an annual “all star game” where the American populace votes on the best player at each position.
KJ: Yessssss?
A2: Just look! Look at the voting results for AL shortstops. They are selecting Derek Jeter as the best American League shortstop!
KJ: What’s wrong with that? Derek Jeter knows how to win! Everyone knows that.
A1: He does know how to win, sir.
A2: Well, let’s look at another shortstop; Tampa Bay’s Jason Bartlett. He’s hitting .362/.401/.560! He has a UZR/150 of 8.6. He was been, without question, the best shortstop in the league this year! Jeter not only got more votes, he won by a landslide! No rational person would vote for Jeter over Bartlett!
A1: But, Bartlett doesn’t have rings. He doesn’t will his team to victory! Does he play the game the right way?
KJ: Does he know how to win?
A2: YES, FOR CHRIST SAKE!! HE’S HITTING .362!!!
KJ: Better offensively!? Better defensively!? Analysts, say no more! I have made my decision! This indefensible All-Star selection just proves that Americans are sheep that will blindly swallow whatever the media sells them. Derek Jeter’s selection as an All-Star starter has no basis. This type of flawed logic plagues Mother Earth, and cannot be allowed to fester. You may fire when ready!
You really should have voted for Jason Bartlett.
